Hope And Denial.
It's the middle of August i can remember so clearly, as if it happened yesterday, we rush mum to the hospital, she hasn't been feeling well for a few months now, she would always say she had the flu but eventually you get better and recover from the flu and you carry on living but she didnt get better and here we all are in the waiting room, thinking of the worst and also praying our hearts out.
I could feel my thoughts run miles a head of me trying to figure out what could be wrong with her, she's been fit and healthy, always going for her afternoon walks, always on that healthy diet, always drinking every and any fijian herbal drink.
'Lord, please let mum be okay, she's a good person, why are you letting her get sick ? why is she here ? why is she still sick ? ' i quietly prayed and questioned God in my head. I began to feel sick, i had this sickening feeling, i sat there with my father asking him with my eyes what was wrong with mum. Finally after what felt like a hundred years we were allowed to see her.
We quietly followed the nurse down the hall way into a ward, this particular ward was called 'LANCESTOR' as we entered the ward i scanned every face for my mother, i found it a bit weird when all the patients i saw was either a young woman or an elderly lady, i tugged father's arm and asked ' dad why are there only ladies in this ward?' he looked down at me and just smiled, it was his nervous smile not his real manly smile, i knew he was unsure himself. I suddenly wanted to see her, to hold her to just tell her that she was going to be okay, that everything was going to be okay.
After walking past are few rooms the nurse stopped turned to us and said 'nona rumu qo' (this is her room) she quickly disappeared down the hall way. Dad looked at me and i starred blankly at him, i was scared, no one explained anything to us well, i meant me, no one said what was wrong with her, why was she here ? why has she been sick for so long ?
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
Its 3am i hear my father calling me, i quickly jumped out of bed and there he was standing at the door, i looked over to my brother and he was still asleep, he was snoring, gosh he sounded like a 50 year old man. I walked over to my father and follwed him to his room i could hear my mother's deep and hoarse breathing ' she sounds like she's struggling to breathe' i think to myself ' I hope she's okay'. I watch my father disappear into the darkness of our living room he had asked me to seat next to my mother and watch over her for a bit while he went out for a walk and also to find something to eat. My father isn't a man of many words, he takes things silently, doesn't show that his struggling or doesn't show that his heart is breaking cause his wife is slowly fading away.
He take's everything like the strong, courageous man he is, never questions anything or agrue's to get a point across.
I sat in the chair next to my mother's bed and attentively watched her, i concentrate on her chest, watching it as it rises when she breathes in and as it goes down when shes breathes out. I slightly trace her jaw line with my finger, she's lost so much weight over the past 3 months, she's so skinny and her fijian buiniga (afro hair) she was always proud of it, how thick and curly it was and now its just so thin and brittle. I take her hand and held on to it, i feel tears run down my cheeks, i quietly cried next to my mother as she slept, i closed my eyes tightly and prayed ' Lord, if you are real please heal my mother now, take away her pain, please help her, why do you let bad things happen to good people ?' i sobbed as i prayed.
Our mother and father forced us to go to church to never miss a sunday, we were taught how to read the bible, we were taught to be good people to always help the needy. They also taught us about this big God who created the universe, the wonderful mircales he did, how he raised the dead, how he changed the water into wine, the stories went on and here i was seating next to my mother and asking God to heal her, i'm sure if God could raise the dead then healing my mother wouldn't be a problem.
I felt my mothers hand brush my right cheek, i stopped praying and opened my eyes. She smiled at me and i burst into more tears, i couldn't control myself, she shifted a little to give me space, i laid next to her and buried my face in her chest ' Na kua ni biuti au, na kerekere kua ni biuti keitou, kerekere kua ni mate, kerekere na' (mum don't leave me, mum please don't leave us, please don't die, please mum) i wailed and sobbed on her chest. She was too weak and sick to comfort me but she took my face looked me in the eyes and said ' luvequ vosoti au, vosota ni iko se gonelailai o sa mai qaravi au, kerekere mo qai raici ju tiko kei ta, iko na luvequ ulumatua, iko na tubu cake mo goneyalewa qaqa, goneyalewa dau qarava na Kalou levu qo, iko na rawa ka, lomani ju, lomani ta talega, drau dau vukei ta, dou kua ni guilecava na kalou,' we both sobbed.
My father and i took turns every night looking after her after a month she didn't talk anymore, she was quite, she was always sleeping now, dad did'nt want my brother and i disturbing her but we would sneak in just to kiss her before going to bed and we would see her smile, both satisfied we would go to sleep.
On the morning of 15th December 2000 i would never forget this day. It was rather a normal day nothing different happened, i packed our lunch for school and was ready to go. We both raced into mum's room and knelt at the side of her bed, we whispered in her ear ' Na yadra, tolo keirau sa varau lai vuli', she smiled and slightly opened her eyes we were both grinning from ear to ear. My brother kissed her first then it was my turn ' i love you mum i love you so much, thank you for everything you did for us and especially me, i'm sorry for the times i was a pain', she smiled ' make sure you eat your vegetables and drink lots of water', she laughed a little, it was good to see her smiling and laughing. She waved goodbye and blew us kisses and off we went to school.
My life was never the same after that, dad picked us up after school that day, he was quiet, he looked like he had been crying, his eyes were so red. He parked the car, took our hands in this hand and slowly told us that our mother had passed away after lunch and that her body was still at home, waiting for us to say our final good bye's before she would be taken to the Morgue. My brother was too young to understand but i was so shocked. We got home and i ran to her room and there she was, her lifeless body lying on her bed. ' Na ! na yadra, na yadra kerekere, dont die please na, wake up, wake up !' i sobbed as i threw myself over her lifeless body ' why lord, why my mum, don't take her, don't take her !' i sobbed so loudly. ' na, na, na kerekere yadra na, keirau sa tu qo, na kerekere yadra na, kua ni biuti keitou, naaaaaaa', I couldn't and wouldn't accept that she was gone, she didn't even say a proper good bye, i still wanted her here, to watch us grow, to watch us get married, to be present for all our achievements but she's gone, she's no more.
Its amazing what life throws at you when you start to grow and mature from a chubby quite teen to a young beautiful and witty adult i would say. You had so much vision, dreams and so much purpose for your future, that feeling of content, the urge to discover what life has to offer you, that persistentness to purse your dreams and goals no matter the circumstances you face and push through it.
Growning up in Fiji has to be one of my fondest memories as a child, feeling the sand between your toes, the fresh cool sea breeze blowing smoothly through your fuzzy curly afro hair, hearing the laughter and soft screams from children of all ages playing our national famous sport, rugby. What a beautiful place to grow up surrounded by the stunning scenery, delicious fijian food and especially your crazy lovable family. What would life be without your main support system, your power house, your go to people, your cheer leaders, your FAMILY.
You have so much promise and hope for a good future, not to be rich and famous or to have the world's largest shoe collection but hope for a prosperous life filled with contentment, joy and lots of love.
My biggest cheer leader and also my biggest fan was my mother. Her elegant ways, her soft and nurturing spirit, her cute and contagious laugh, just everything my mother was i aspire to be. I absolutely loved my mother and everything about her but somehow we would always end up fighting, we would always disagree on things and never seem to see eye to eye on things but knowing mum she would find a way for us to better ourselves and especially to love another.
She sadly passed away when i was at the tender age of 12 and my brother was only 6. Life was never the same after that, i had a very hard time accepting the fact that she was gone. I sorely missed her, her voice, her smile, her laugh and especially her words of encouragement. She was a strong woman of Faith, i blammed God for 11 years, i questioned him, i even started to believe that he didn't exsist anymore. I had so many unanswered questions, I became depressed, i had so much hurt in me and so much denial in my life, at one point in life i had sucidal thoughts, i started to think, 'whats the point in living?'
After my father remarried, we migrated overseas, believe it of not but GOD came through for me, He had taken me out of my wilderness and dealt with me, many people would ask how ? i would always say by PRAYER & FASTING, through my grandmother's prayer for my life, i'm blessed to say that i'm alive and well.
JEREMIAH 29 VS 11
' FOR I KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU," DECLARES THE LORD, ' PLANS TO PROSPER YOU AND NOT TO HARM YOU, PLANS TO GIVE YOU HOPE AND A FUTURE'.
No matter what your facing right now or whatever your going through, you have a Father that knows your name, a father that has this huge plan for your life, you may not know it but He will never leave you or forsake you. I'm a living testimony of that. The devil is out there to steal, kill and destroy and he will use anything to defeat you, to make you feel like your not good enough, to make you feel unloved, to make you feel unwanted but know this, YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE MOST HIGH ! YOU ARE A CONQUEROR !
After 11 years of denial, i finally accepted that my mother is now in a better place, i had to fly back to Fiji after living overseas for 4 years to go and to finally release her for good. I had to work up the courage to take myself to her final resting place to let her go. To be honest it was the hardest thing i had to do but i had to cause i know she is looking down at me and smiling, she had OVARIAN CANCER she fought for 4 months and sadly lost her battle. I still sense her and sometimes i can still smell her beautiful fragrance around me, i know she is watching over my brother and i.
Lots of love phee xo
Rest In Heavenly Arms Mum xx